(Early Warning - this insight into my head gets pretty deep - not for the faint hearted. lol)
Shit... So it's been an interesting few weeks... an interesting few days... so much has happened & now I'm just sittin' here processing everything... processing life - my life, past, present & future.
So what's happened? I don't know where to start. It's all been a blur since my birthday, so I'll break it up into paragraphs.
I went out to "University Chicken" do try their "911 challenge". They are bascially a chicken wing joint on Santa Clara University Campus. They got spicy, spicy wings. Their scale goes from mild, traditional, traditional death, thermal nuclear, to global thermal nuclear. And dude global thermal nuclear is dirty spicy. But last time I was there I could totally handle it. So I figure how hard could this 911 challenge be. So I bring my video camera & some friends. Order this 911 challenge, where one must eat 12 wings in 10 mins with nothing to drink 5 mins prior & after the challenge - without napkins. Okay so bring it on... I saw a video off the web of two dudes doing it... they flopped, I'm like these dudes are weak. How wrong was I. So I sign a waiver (to release them from responsiblity) and sit down with these off the chart flavored wings. They were in a fuckin PASTE of chilli pepper. So I start.. it's going all good - but then it hits me... after 6.5 wings my throat starts to collapse! YES - FUCKIN COLLAPSE - LIKE FUCKIN CLOSE ON ME!!! I hit the 6 min mark - there is no way I can finish & with my collapsing throat I tape out. After a while, I force myself to try & finish - again only able to plow through 3 more, bringing the total to 9. THEN IT HIT. THE STOMACH PAIN!!! Oh was it rough. To make a long story short - worst feeling ever - worse than being too drunk. Regardless of the PB (pepto bismal) - my body was force to "PURGE" the wings & sauce from my body. PURGED from my body in BOTH DIRECTIONS!!!! (yeap, opposite directions simultaneously - use your imagination).
It had been such a busy few weeks at work. I'm trying to get everything in order since I'm leavin' in a few weeks. It sucks cause I just started an amazing project that is so frigin interesting & totally catered to what I want to do career-wise.
But that also brings about insight into my career, into my goals. As I drove & hung out with my boss the last few weeks at off-site test locations - I realized something. 80% of Silicon Valley never recovered from the last bust. All these empty facilities... all these down-sized companies. In fact, it looks like the tech industry is still in a bust. He told me about companies in the bay - in the tech field - he told me about these cycles - he told me how it is important to know when to jump ship. Isn't that the truth!! That is the key... know when to sell, know when to buy, know when to leave, know when to quit.
That kinda leads me to the next point in my mind. Life & the people in society. Granted I had another post about last weekend - but the web was down & I didn't get a chance to repost it... But it kinda spoke about the Californian lifestyle... the californian society. I guess, I'll post it below... but bascially, people here are so materialistic. Yeah, yeah, you say everyone all over is... true - but to what extend!! Cali has to be the worst!! Everything here is about the $$$. Who has it, who doesn't! But is that really the life I want to live?? No. I see it in my buddy, who moved out here a long time ago. I see his mental state change... In fact, I see my mental state change from time to time. I often catch myself thinking... "what the fuck gaj? that's so whack you're acting like a fuckin spoiled rich power hungry kid!". I have to constantly check myself. Got to constantly remember where or whom I used to be. Dude... lately, I've just started to develop or change or maybe gain insight into what I want. And I'm not sure I want EVERYTHING that comes with living in California. Don't get me wrong - I LOVE IT HERE! But do I really want to live in such a superficial, materialistic society?? Nope. Do I really want to become a fuckin snobby little bitch? Nope. What happened to the gaj that couldn't give a shit & always went against the grain?? The old gaj who would do something cause he WANTED to go against the grain? How am I getting caught up in the cali-society-hype? All the Orange County lifestyle shit!?! That ain't the average life. It definitely ain't the lifestyle of the average man. Yet it does have it's sense of appeal to it. (Shit?!? Where did that come from?) But it does.
But one thing is for sure. If you want $$$ in life - engineering is definitely not the place to be!! I'm talkin about real cash, real dough. The lifestyle of the rich & famous. Engineers make peanuts. And so do doctors or lawyers (of course there are a few exceptions to each case). But the fact is that if you want real DOUGH - it's all about celebirty. It's all about the entertainment industry. That's were the $$$ is. So what do I want? I've always wanted $$$ - but then again who doesn't?? But then again I love using my brain... trouble-shooting, debugging, solving problems. There is no other joy - like solving a technical problem you've been struggling with all week. That's why I love engineering so much. It gives me insight into problem solving. That's why I love physics & science so much. It shows me how the world works, how the world revolves. But then again there are people. And I love them to. How they work - everyone's own hidden agenda (we all have them). We all have something that we want in the back of our minds - but never admitt to anyone else. The one thing we'd do anything for - the one thing we'd all probably kill for. What's mine? lol. Like I'd write that in my blog. What's yours??
For some of us, it's a secret we hide from our boyfriend/girlfriend in fear that they'll no longer love us. For some, it is to be better than a family member or better than a co-worker. For some of us, it is to be the guy with the hottest girlfriend/wife/mistress... they guy with all the cash, the benz, the boat. For some it's making enough cash for the booze, the drugs, the women, the gambling. (FYI coke is a serious drug down here - almost as common as weed out in scarborough!). But the fact is there is one thing that we all want & often times we share that dream or desire with no one - not even our significant other. A desire so deep we'd sign away our soul for.
Okay, so what's the harm? What's my hidden agenda? It's the fuckin "Kuganesan Equation". I've always wanted to have my own equation, my own reference. lol. How far off that dream probably is. But hey, I'd probably kill for it (okay, well maybe not kill). But I'd love to have my last name in physics text books around the world. I'd also love a helicopter & a flat bed tractor trailer - but that's a different story.
So where was that tangent from?? It was from what I want? I love science & engineering. But I also love the science of people. Through out my life I've seen a lot of people. Some come, some go. But I've always been able to figure them out. I always knew what they were about. Like I knew how their next move in chess. I felt as if it was almost a gift. Bascially, I had amazing judge of character. I was hardly (if ever) wrong. It was as if I could see each & everyone I meet, in someone I had already met. And it excites me to know someones move ahead of time & adjust accordingly. So where is all this business sense coming from?? And why am I all of a sudden trying to use this ablity to try & make $$$? Why is this desire to be ahead of the next man, making me desire to deceive? To profit? What is this desire for monetary objects that has decended upon me? I don't know... But so for it is temporary - ie. this desire hasn't conquered me as of yet.
Maybe it's all the power & status that is thrown around in california from all the high-rollers. You know the dutch bag, who flaunts his dough to cut the line. The chubby old guy with the hot-ass wife, boob-job & all. Low end engineer who drives his new benz to work - can't afford his cell phone but custom details his car every week. Maybe it was going to Mexico & tossing dollar bills as if everyone on the street was a fuckin stripper?? Fuckin' MTV & their reality shows with all those rich hoes who throw $450,000 sweet sixteen b-day parties. Or those dumb fat broads that spend $23,000 for liposuction, a boob-job to look like Janet Jackson or Jennifer Aniston! Everyone here is just trying to look pretty, sittin in their rides or layin around their pool. It's all about the $$$... but is it?? Is it really?? I'm starting to crave the power, crave the $$$. But no. I can't. Can I?? Where is the Gaj that wants to learn - to be that physicist? Okay, he's not gone. The better question is were did this corrupt Gaj that's itching to make cash & live a lavish lifestyle come from?? I mean, I really don't need that much. I don't really want that much. It was or is not a priority to me. I guess it is just a temptation?
Man, things have started making think lately? Why am I such a fucked up little kid? As long as I can remember, I've had this vicious temper, I've always looked for shortcuts, I've hustled, I've stolen, I've been an asshole in relationships, I've been completely selfish at times - yet I still to be a noble guy. I try to be a good guy... but I can't shake this hustling side of me. I've sinned so much in the past. Like that time I stole from that ATM. Like that time I jacked that ouce of weed for profit. Like the times I've double crossed to make an easy buck. WHERE DOES THIS COME FROM?? Yet on the same time, if someone needs help I lend my hand. Someones in trouble I'll go out of my way to help. A friend needs something, I'm there. If something goes wrong, I'm ready to help out those in need - pickin up drunk guys off the dance floor, fuckin walking grandmas across the street - lol. I volunteer my time, give blood, donate to worthy causes, etc. So how the hell is it that I have this whole Doctor Jekylle - Mr. Hyde complex?? At times, I'm so good - then at the spur of the moment I'm ready to make a quick hustle? Damn! It's precily Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde.
Life is a total trip - and to make things worse... life is totally spuratic! One of my roommate's sybling died yesterday. What a trip! Life is so short & here I am being an ass half the time. Is that really the legacy I want to leave behind in this world? God damn. And the worst part is my father is such a fuckin angel! He's never done a single bad thing in his life (at least nothing serious). Everyone tells me how much of a saint he always was - even as a fuckin kid. Out of everyone in the world, he is my role model - the one person I admire the most. The one person I would be happy becoming as I turn old. So how is it I live this Jekyll Phase?? He knows I'm no angel - but if he knew about all the shit I've done, he'd be so disappointed. I mean all kids do things behind their parents. I just wonder sometimes - how it is that he was so good & I am so corrupt. I know that the good part of me is all from him... so where did all the corruption come from??
Life is so short. You never know when it's gonna be your last day. They say live your life to it's fullest. But then there is all this "delayed gratification" that my anger management counsellor spoke to me about (lol - yes, you read right - but damn she was amazing really helped clear up my temper problems). The worst is after you are gone, you'll never have a chance to say goodbye - to tie up loose ends. To settle things. I guess that's what scares me the most. Not being able to say goodbye - not being able to tie loose ends. It's like when you move out... how do you get your last bill - how do you know how much you owe?
Life is a complete TRIP! whoow. I just realized that this whole time I meant trip as in trip out - but I guess it could also be read as trip as in journey. Life is such a Trip. But what to do...
